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When Did I Stop Playing?

If you've tuned in to #coffeeandcocktails, you've heard Michelle and I talk about the importance of meditation in our lives. And if you haven't tuned in,

I prioritize my meditation time above all things. It's when I pray, sit in stillness, and listen to what my soul and God are trying to reveal to me.

Today...I wasn't ready for what came through. The energy started light and then got heavy when I was presented with the fact that I let my playful self die.

Ok, maybe not die, but I definitely shoved her in the closet to portray this image of what I thought a wife and mother should look like. Tragic...

So I'm sitting there, bawling my eyes out, thinking about all the time I lost trying to be someone I'm truly not. What I thought marriage and parenting should look like based on what was or wasn't modeled in my life.

My dad was so tickled when I came home in 2018, no kids, no husband. Just me and my siblings and cousins, taking shots of fireball and celebrating the life of my Mawmaw, his mama. 'Moni, don't know how to act!!' And he was right, I didn't. It was the start of reclaiming myself.

Now don't take this as me begrudgingly lamenting my life. That's not what this is. I wanted to get married, and I wanted kids. (More than I have before I knew better.🥴) What I didn't understand was that while change will happen, it doesn't have to be so damn dramatic. I can be my fun, cutting up self, and still take care of home.

Guess I just needed that reminder this morning. I got to thinking about my family that has gone on, particularly my Tee Kim. She was such a free spirit, and I miss her energy so much. She didn't have biological kids, but her nieces and nephews were her kids. She was the perfect balance of chastise your ass and then throw a party. That's the balance I'm striving for daily. No more trying to box my personality in to look a certain part.

I'm finally here!

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Dec 20, 2021

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