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It's too much

That's all I'm heard this morning.

It's too fucking much. Literally screamed this in my car during my lunch break. That was after crying a bit before walking in the building when I first got there.

As most of you know, we are moving. With that comes paperwork, scheduling, packing. All the fun things. In addition to this, life must go on. Don't get me wrong, it will all get done because that's what I do. I handle my shit. And other people's shit. This handling may include mini breakdown, but drop the ball? Who me? Never.

Weird flex, right? When I'm overstimulated, which as a mother, wife, and employee it's very easy to become, I'm not the most loving person. Ok, let's be honest, I'm a bitch. My nervous system enters fight or flight mode, and most of the time my only option is fight because abandonment isn't becoming. I'm short with everyone or I speak very little to avoid being mean. Because my words can cut like a razor.

I felt it creeping up my back like a shadow lurking. Waiting for me to slip because "you haven't grown as much as you thought." But truth be told, now that I'm out of it, I have grown. My usual reaction would have been to turn into Shrek when he told everyone to leave his swamp. Straight ogre. There's no escalation. I go 0 to 100...real quick. Or I lace my words with venomous snark and sarcasm as I answer what ever redundant, ridiculous (to me of course) question my kids have. The Monica that I acknowledge and decided I didn't like back in 2018.

This time, I let myself cry in the car. I indulge my feelings and had taco bell for lunch without the guilt. I didn't bury myself in the candy bowl at my desk. I actually told someone I was in a bad mood and they helped me begin the climb out of it, one by listening and two, by making me laugh.

Before I would have swallow it behind my usual smile, and productive attitude. Growth isn't linear. Sometimes we take two steps forward and one back. The key is to keep going. One day, I won't need the Taco Bell...but today was not that day, and I'm ok with that.

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