Like many of you, when I arrived into this existence, I was given a preprogrammed compass. It didn't point to my true north. It pointed to the true north of those that went before me in order to avoid what they perceived as pitfalls and the wrong way. I used that compass to navigate through my childhood and adolescent years, also most of my 20s. Sometimes I would put it down when shenanigans arose, but for the most part, I stayed on the straight and narrow.
Then somewhere around 30ish (Saturn return. Google it.), my compass started to spin.
Was it broken? What the hell? Am I going the "right" way?
"Where do you want to go?"
I don't know.
"So how do you know which way is the "right" way?"
Bruh, now? At 30? (Cause yall know we thought that was old, right?)
Not even close. So I had to sit with myself and ask where do I want to go. What does that look like and feel like for me? How do I define success in my life in my own terms? Basically a decluttering of my belief system to eliminate the things that no longer work for me. That shit is scary. Tower moment (Tarot. Google it.) A faulty foundation is no place to build a legacy, so I had to fine tune my compass. This require me to unload why I felt a way about certain things. Why I didn't jive with certain trains of thought anymore. And unpacking all the guilt that came along with it.
But in that moment, I was also unburdening myself. Each corner and closet I went into held things that hurt me which in turn made me hurt others, and that's not the Mon I wanted to be. So into the darkness I went, and still go.
I know that the light is in me, so I'm not afraid of the dark.