How much do you love me?
A question I've asked many in an attempt to solidify my position in their life, not realizing that no matter how much they loved me, love was never going to be the issue. Choosing was.
Honestly, my thoughts on love over the years was mostly romantic. But I've realized that the love of friends is huge for me. They are the ones that handle most of the heavy lifting mentioned above, and I try my damnest to be that for them.
In 2021 though, it become more of an internal inquiry:
"How much do you love me?'
Pause. Huh? How is this even a question?!?! I mean the go to answer is "more than anything", right?
But what's the saying? "Actions speak louder than words." (SN: I don't fully subscribe to this saying because words of affirmations is my #1 love language. So yeah, I need to hear it. It works for the post though.)
It comes up a lot because I'm notorious for taking my needs completely off the stove. (The backburners are full.) Everyone needs me, right? And they need me right when they ask, right? How could I say no or make them wait? My cup wasn't empty, but it definitely had a leak or three #teamnoboundaries
One of the first things my therapist suggested was to go to the store alone. Sounds easy enough. 🤔 Yeah, I don't do easy.
To go and do something alone.
To leave the kids with Chris and wander Target aimlessly with my venti white chocolate mocha in hand.
I couldn't do that.
There were layers upon layers of guilt. But what she helped me to see was that under those layers, buried deep in the darkness that I refused to acknowledge was a sea of resentment. Filled with swallowed tears of frustration after years of neglecting "Mon" for the sake of "Mommy", "Bae", "School Parent", "Friend", "Sibling", "Employee", "Daughter". All these roles made me feel like I mattered. Like I was worthy. When the truth was, "Mon" was always worthy. Stripped of the titles. Worthy of the attention she showered, sometimes begrudgedly, on others.
It's become easier though. Shhiiitt, I have full fledged girls night out's and shit now! Of course I still make sure the Mister and the kids don't have anything going on, and I also afford him the same opportunity. If he doesn't take me up on it though, that ain't go nothing to do with me.
Now it's your turn. Sit down, and be honest with yourself. How do you show yourself love and appreciation? How do you carve out time to make sure that you love on you? What are things that you have and/or do that bring you joy outside of everyone else in your life? Yeah, it sounds hella selfish, and if you are one of those types who find joy in spending time and energy with and on others day in and out, God bless you...but that ain't the kid.