Have you ever noticed that when your emotions are in disarray that every negative habit is amplified? For some people it's rage. Others it's emotional eating. It shows up as spending money you don't have. Yeah...for me, it was all three.
But something clicked in 2019. I guess I was sick of my own shit. Sick of pretending I was ok. Hiding behind photos of happy moments. Refusing to shine the light into my dark corners because I knew what lurched there, but I wasn't ready to face. After a few months of nudging from a close friend towards the end of 2018, I picked up Dave Ramsey's book. (Yeah, I know, but sometimes the message is more important than the messenger. He's got some solid tips to get you started.) Before this, I was just tracking our spending. I wasn't really managing the money. Managing the money meant getting honest with myself. Deacon didn't need to be in daycare with me not working. Oh, I know you didn't think I pulled him out when I lost my job in October. Yeah, sometimes you do dumb things for your mental health.
I already had a standing breakfast date with a girlfriend, so I made sure I kept up with that. Your community is important, so make sure you have people who talk you up. Back in the gym. Because loving food and not loving cardio will hit you where it hurts. (Bigger pants?!?!) Planning a move to a foreign country. Tf Imma do in Japan? Life continues to happen, and I keep the happy face on for the most part, but some people in my circle know I fear a relapse into old habits. I'm slowly losing everything I had gained in 2018, or so I thought.
One of the things I always tell people is that this specific base was #18 on my husband's list. We never thought we would get sent here, but as I've learned, shit don't always go as planned. Healing isn't linear. It's cyclical, and sometimes you gotta go through things more than once just to make sure you got the lesson. So what do I do when we touch down? All the things. I'm volunteering at the school. Going to all the things. Trying to be involved in the spouse's club, because once again, who am I if I'm not busy? I'm making new friends, but that shit is hard. But being busy doesn't conceal the fact that I'm back at home, yet again, unhappy. Then one day there was a fateful encounter with a hiring manager on base. "We've got two accounting positions coming up. You should apply."
But like always, I try to talk myself out of it.
Who is going to run the family ish?
I haven't done accounting in 10 years. I'm not going to get pass the computer.
There are no daycare spots open. Who's going to watch Deacon?
In steps God. "What I've got for you is for you."
A new friend helps me with my resume. I apply for both jobs, and land one.
Start date 18 February 2020. Daycare spots open up every.single.time I need them.
Even with the hiccups of COVID, I've been able to see things working out. Teleworking. Having a work family that I love. Finding the village to help with the kids. Life ain't perfect, but when I tell you sometimes you gotta lean into your relationship with God, you gotta lean in hard. Through all this, mine shifted. Change drastically from what I was taught it should be. Figuring out who I am in this sea of being everything for everybody else. Consciously choosing me every day and in every way. It's not easy, of course. People around you have the option to adjust or leave. And like I said before, we can't control that. But trust that YOUR people will find you.
Don't give up. Yeah, it's ugly, but that only way out of your personal hell is through it. Stepping into each decision with faith not fear. Leading with love and gratitude. That's how you find your way out of the darkness. (In addition to a bomb ass therapist and network for ride or die loved ones.) Yeah, I still have some cloudy days. Hell, everyone does. But I'm learning my triggers and how to temper my reaction to be less volatile. I'm learning what I need to fill my cup and actively asking for and seeking it out. Because being the best Mon I can be is what's best for everybody.