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The Unraveling

I'm an overthinker, and that carries over into my dreams. Sometimes I will hear a word or a phrase, and then pray and meditate on it for a deeper understanding of its importance. That's how this week's topic came about.

Life is a lot like a tapestry. Every decision, good, bad, or somewhere in the middle, weaves the story of our lives over time. The way it looks early on depends a lot on your upbringing and what you were exposed to. The unraveling happens when you realize that you don't necessarily agree with that any more.

Sounds like a bad thing, huh? "Unraveling" Webster defines it as "to undo, to destroy, to disintegrate" in the first definition. Sounds pretty bad to me. But the more I thought about it, number two made more sense: investigate and solve or explain. In order to become the person that I am meant to be, I have to undo some things.

The first moment of true undoing came when I left for college. I grew up in Small Town, USA. Everyone knew everyone, and when your grandfather was "the" black cop, it's hard to not be known. (Not to mention between my mama and daddy, I'm related to damn near everybody.) Well, when I got to State, I was Monica. No one knew my family with exception of my roommate, but even we were still getting to know each other. I got to dismantle all the thoughts I had about what college of me was supposed to look like, how I was supposed to act, dress, etc... That shit came with some lessons though. (Go to class. It helps when you your Calculus teacher gives multiple choice tests.) There is a such a thing as swinging too far in one direction. (0/10 do not recommend) Relationships will do that to you, though.

Fast forward, my husband and I are a couple, and I have a job in North Carolina. I ask him to come with me. Now if you grew up in a Southern home, especially a religious one, that's shackin', and it's unGodly.

But I was in charge of my life, so I made the call, criticisms be damned. I had an idea of what a live in relationship should look like, so this should be a cake walk. Marriage? A breeze. Parenting? I got this in the bag, right?!? Adulthood in general?

What I thought my life would look like was a far cry from what it actually was. Many tears, screams, and therapy sessions later, I was ready to start rebuilding. So there I was untangling the knots, and sitting there in a pile of thread as I figured out what I wanted my life to look like.

Perfection was not, and is not, the end goal, but as I separate the strings, I'm opening up to a new ways of thinking in terms of parenting, relationships, "adulting". I'm able to commit to a road that is best for me. Following my heart insures that I live a life that speaks to my beliefs and the goals I set for myself. The freedom to do this with no personal judgement is unreal. To change your mind, and be ok that you didn't choose what someone else may have chosen for you. There is a calming nature to taking in new information. It creates new possibilities that you would have never considered had you not taken the chance to come undone.

When it looks like everything is falling apart, it's hard to see the silver lining or the bright side. You feel like you are spiraling. That everything you were told was a lie. The very foundation you built your life upon was sand. That's not true, though. We were told and shown things that made sense to those that came before us. They thought it would make the road a bit easier for us, and it in some ways, I'm sure it did.

As we get older, we fine tune what we want out of life, and in some cases, that may mean that things have to go. It's never to let to give your life a critique, and there is nothing wrong with course correction. Just make sure that you are choosing a life based on your happiness because, when the masterpiece is complete, that's all that will matter.

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