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Rationing Love

As we wrap up love month, I'm still in 'What does it all mean?', or 'it's this all there is?', or a 'make it make sense.' kinda space. With substantially less tears. Like we talked about on #coffeeandcocktails my current preferred state of being is solo dolo, which is almost impossible as a wife, mother of 3, and employee. I honestly started to feel bad. Like I was rationing my love (because quality time and physical touch are love languages), but then I realized that I am allowed to take a beat. I'm allowed to catch myself when I'm falling. I am allowed solitude in whatever form this stage of life affords me. I can feel myself coming out of it slowly, but the more I have to "people", the longer it takes. I have spurts of energy here and there, but by the end of the day, I'm done. Energy is weird that way. If you don't do things to replenish yourself, the things that drain you will take over. I think that is the biggest lesson is self love: that you don't have to give away pieces of yourself in order to make others feel whole. That's not your job. When you notice your well running dry, what do you gain from offering someone your last drop? The lesson is to love yourself into overflow...that's when the world benefits. But the guilt makes it hard to nurture to yourself. Especially when the depleting energy is something or someone you actually enjoy when you are in your typical head space. People take it personal when you don't call or text. When you don't want to spend time with them. When sleep or a bath is what you need, not the company of others. Now don't get me wrong. For some of us the company of others does rejuvenate us. Time in solitude only adds to the feelings of loneliness. But for others, the only way to sort and make sense of what comes up, is to be with ourselves. And sometimes we just like our own company more. Like a coworker commiserated "I'm the dopest person I know." We have to be intentional in carving out time for ourselves. In saying no, even though it may hurt someone's feeling. Taking the time to meditate, dance, cry, journal. Whatever you need to come back to center. So, how about you? Is your heart and soul calling you home to yourself? Are you being asked to integrate what you've learned over the past year? Don't think of it as rationing love. Think of it as committing to giving yourself the best of you. Not the leftovers. We aren't taking what's left. We get paid off top, boo, and that's a win for everyone, right?

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