A State of Mourning
Did you know it's ok to mourn the loss of something as you anticipate what is yet to come?
A lot of time we don't allow ourselves or others the opportunity to be honest about the sadness that comes with transition. If I'm being honest, I am in mourning.
If you are a subscriber, you probably noticed the absence. It's intentional, because when you are in the liminal space, you need a moment to catch your breath. To process all that has happened and is happening. And ain't no forcing words around here. They come when they are ready to come.
When we left Japan, I left my routine. My 4am gym family, my work family, my base framily. I left it all. I also left a reliable call schedule with my stateside family. Yeah, I know that's this life, but that phrase doesn't salve the wound. Home is where the heart is. Yeah, I know but that doesn't ease my anxiety. Life is happening for me, not to me. All the platitudes that we spew to make someone feel less sad about the period that they are in. None of that is helping. Routine is an important part of my life. It's one of the things that keep me sane when everything is in constant change and disarray. And when it's missing? Well....let's just say, it's noticeable.
So I am allowing myself to grieve what was while being open to what will be. I will get a new routine. I will build my Germany circle. I will thrive here at our new home, because it was destined for me to be in this moment at this time. But in the meantime, I won't swallow the feelings of agitation and sadness when they come up. I will ride the waves as they come. Lean on my loved ones when I need to, but also express when I need to feel how I'm feeling without 'talking it out'.
As we like to say, this too shall pass, but until it does:
My feelings are valid.
My feelings are real.
My feelings are meant to be felt, not swallow.
I am loved through all that I am feeling.
My safe spaces are here for me.