So there I am sitting in this lady's office, and she's basically telling me that I'm doing the most for the lesser. Like wait, isn't that motherhood and being a wife? Doing all the things for all the people? Martyrdom is the name of the game, right?
Then she hit me with another one right to the gut "You can't parent in a way that you were never exposed to. You can live in a way that was never modeled to you.'
I was diagnosed with situational depression. I'd never heard of it, but the more sessions that passed, the more it made sense. I had planned to parent like every mother before me in my life, as a working mom, but 10 months after having Reina, I quit my job and we moved to Mississippi as a newly minted military family. I had planned to be a working spouse, so I figured the casinos or the ship yard would be hiring. Oh and they were... for less than gas and daycare costs. (TF, Mississippi.) A lucrative government job came up, but I couldn't find suitable daycare. (TF, Mississippi.) Another opportunity came up, but it came with an hour commute one way and also daycare issues. I find a work from home job which helped pay for daycare, but here comes Gianna, Itty Bitty #2. (TF, Life.) Now in the midst of this, I'm not talking to Chris about this because I didn't think I should. He was working 2 jobs because living in Mississippi comes with more bills than living in North Carolina. This was all my fault, or so I thought, so I should have to deal with it.
Then we found out that Chris had to go overseas for a year. (TF, Uncle Sam. What Imma do with 2 kids?!?) 12 months of pretty much single parenting. Thank God my aunt was only 20 minutes away, and that my daycare had Parent's Night Out twice a month. I went to my parents' whenever I could just to get a break. But I was excited. There were jobs where we were headed, so I was getting my resume ready to go. Then here comes Deacon, Itty bitty #3. (We suck at this, right?!?) I was 6 months pregnant when we arrived in Alaska. Who's gonna hire the pregnant lady? So I'm back at home, but this time no work from home gig and no built in family support. New location, one starting kindergarten, and now I gotta deal with moose, bears, and snow.
Sometimes nothing is "wrong" with us. Life just happened, and we don't know how to adjust. You are making changes that may not coincide with how you were raised. And sometimes you move what feels like a million miles away. Instead of choosing to just deal, reach out for help. We aren't meant to do this alone anyway.