The onset of events that led to me becoming ill recently was overwhelming to say the least. Teenage woes, issues with bullying, corrective leg braces…the whole nine. No matter the direction I turned it felt like darts and daggers were being thrown. When I dodged one…here would come another. I couldn’t catch my breath.
I found myself having more and more panic attacks and needing more and more time to myself to sort through my though. Everything agitated me. I was beginning to have headaches everyday and I’m not a headache person.
The day I physically went down, I was leaving a school site after testing. I had two conferences that afternoon about my child who’d been a victim of bullying. I was overwhelmed already with the situation and feeling guilty like I could’ve done more to support her. I was nauseous and dizzy thinking about it. I went home to get my bearings and literally vomited the entire time I was on the phone with the school counselor. ((Triggered))
Okay, but I’m fine right. So I finish the call and I’m still dizzy so I lay my head down before the next conference. I set a timer and pop back up just in time to run to the bathroom and vomit again before the next meeting. I endure hearing how my child should’ve told someone that she was being bullied. Ummm, she did and you all told her to ignore the kid. ((Triggered))
Then, the gaslighting began…the other kids like this kid so maybe it’s just her. ((TRIGGERED))
Me: Or maybe it’s the fact that he has called her ugly, fat, stupid, and most recently an ape and you’ve told her to ignore it. ((Triggered))
By the time I ended that call my trigger levels were at an all time high. When I think back over all of the things that have happened to me in my life…domestic abuse, sexual assault, general mistreatment, constant gaslighting, and countless incidents of disrespect…none of it made me feel as helpless as the way it did when someone came for my babies. I finally found one of my triggers…it’s the kids!
They are not the only triggers, but that took a lot out of me to unpack…I have to find my
peace so I can share more.
XOXO,
MichelleRena
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