So it’s kinda funny how this post came about. I received an interesting email yesterday from someone whom I’ve never met but they felt it was important to let me know that I’m being dishonest with myself and you guys! The message read:
Besides the phony “glad you found your peace girlie” opening and the shade of suggesting I should work on myself at the end…what bothered me the most about this email is the accusation of me not being 100 with my readers.
I’m pretty transparent. Almost to a flaw. Those who follow the blog closely know that we had a period of infidelity in our marriage. We discuss it in depth and very openly on our “Martin’s Always Right“ Facebook and YouTube platforms. When I say in depth I’m talking discussion after discussion.
We have gone to therapy and honestly have come to the most pinnacle place of truth in our marriage where we know we are rock solid.
When I created the iamMichelleRena.com platform the focus was intended to uplift, promote, and empower the voices of Black women from all walks of life. Not to spend post after post talking about infidelity. Don’t get me wrong, there have been several interviews with Dope Black Women where we have talked about it and several episodes of A Tribe of Dope Black Women where we covered the affects and effects of it.
Basically, my readers/followers know that I have made a choice to remain with my husband even after being cheated on and I am beyond happy about it.
Wanna know why I stayed? Because I wanted to. We not only enjoy each other’s presence but we also share common visions and we are good and grown. I don’t have low self esteem or low concept. I didn’t stay for the kids. We both felt like our friendship and marriage was worth working through the kinks and understood that it would take work to overcome the challenges.
When it happened did I feel damaged and hurt? Yep, I thought it was my fault until we went to therapy and unpacked his reasons which were in no way related to me.
Did it take a long time to get over it? Hell yes! It took a while to get over it. But I did and I am a better person as a result of it. I hate that we wasted the time we did being mad each other and not enjoying the life we’ve been given because honestly life is too short to be walking around frowned up and angry.
How did I get over it? I asked questions. A lot of them. I learned who he is/was and who I am and who we are together. We developed an open communication policy and established rules for our marriage. We knew our marriage wouldn’t look like others and we were happy with that. Trying to do what other people were doing (or what we thought other people were doing) wasn’t working for us. So we had to completely destroy our idea of marriage which wasn’t working and rebuild it the way we wanted it to be. It took me a while to forgive him for lying to me when I have worked so hard to cultivate a space of transparency. He knows that all I have ever wanted was to be in the know. So many women will hear me say that and be like “what do you mean be in the know?”
Well, basically if you are able to hold a conversation with my husband or me it’s because we have given one another permission to do so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Those who can’t respect the boundaries that we have set will not be entertained. Oh what you thought?
Anywho, so for my readers who didn’t know, yes I was cheated on. No, we never broke up or separated. Our marriage is fully transparent and if you’re communicating with either of us, the other knows. Ain’t no secrets here!
If you want to know more check out The Martins on Facebook and join our group Martin’s Always Right! We will be kicking off our series very soon to chat about all things marriage, sex, and relationship!
So to answer you “Nazari”, I have done the work on me and realized that I can’t and won’t ever try to control another human being. Not my husband, not my children, not even my employees! I will, however, cultivate a safe space for women who have been in my position to know that they can overcome anything and be at peace and filled with grace and love for others. It’s the peace and love always for me. I am NOT responsible for anyone else or their happiness. My job is to please me and make me happy and honestly I’m happier than I’ve ever been. He seems pretty happy too but if he ain’t that’s his problem to fix, not mine! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
If anyone has questions or concerns about steps for healing from hurt feel free to reach out. I am happy to be your guide!
In closing:
If you are a wife who has been cheated on and stayed…it‘s ok Sis! I am proud of you!
If you are a wife who has been cheated on and left…it’s ok Sis! I am proud of you!
If you are married and suspect your spouse is cheating and it’s bothering you, find a therapist, figure out what you are going to do when you have confirmation and don’t let anyone shame you for your decision.
You can tell the world or not a soul. Either way it is your business and no one else’s. If you tell the world and stay be prepared for name calling and accusations of low self esteem. Pick your battles Sis.
Understand that everyone doesn’t operate in grace and love and everyone wasn’t meant to be a part of your marriage journey.
Am I happy I was cheated on? Of course not! But I’m not ashamed either. I love my husband more now than ever before for the open and honest relationship we have cultivated. There is no shame in staying or leaving after cheating. You have to do what works for you and what you can live with. Once you make the choice to forgive and move forward you have to do just that.
You have to do what makes you happy and for me it’s creating a safe space for women to just be. To explore the hard parts and talk about the ugly that folks want to avoid.
There are so many women and men who have been cheated on and really wanted to stay with their mate but were too afraid of what other folks might say about it. Hear me out loud and clear 🗣🗣🗣“Phuck them folks!” Live your life the way you want with who you want. It is yours and only yours to live! Worry less about what everyone else will think and focus more on what you want for yourself.
On the contrary, if staying is going to disrupt your peace, then by all means leave. Peace over everything!
If you want to talk about it some more hit me up. I’m open for any and all discussions.
XOXO,
MichelleRena
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