Happy Tuesday y'all! I found myself so sad last night as I laid in bed talking with my hubby. I shared with him a truth that I often gloss over as it relates to my relationship with my mother. I don't have a lot of expectations for people because I have been constantly let down by those whom I love the most. And while I am OK not being able to depend on those I love even for what seems like the simplest of things it still hurts when you can't. I never got to really experience the love that I give my daughters which is why I love them so hard. I want them to know that they can always count on me even when things are not presented in a way that might be pleasing to me. I want them to be able to live their lives knowing that I fully support them and will do whatever I can to aid them no matter what. That is what I have always craved.
I have an amazing mother...one who has always given her all to everyone. Anyone that knows her will tell you that. I watched her give her all my whole life. Literally, at this moment I am sure she is somewhere doing some selfless act for someone because that is who she is to people. Yet I have always felt like I missed out on that part. Growing up I felt like I got the leftovers or residue of her love. It was the exhausted part of her that was reserved for me. It hurt then and it still hurts now but I have managed.
I grew up feeling like I was more of a burden than a blessing.
I grew up feeling like I was more of a burden than a blessing. Simple requests were treated like grandiose ideas. I spent a lot of time resenting being born. When I became a mother I forgave her for that because I began to understand how taxing motherhood can be. I forgave but it still hurts. That's the thing about forgiveness. You can forgive a person for how they made you feel but it doesn't erase the sting. There are still triggers and reminders of why you feel the way that you do.
In the midst of my tears I became even more grateful for the family that I have created. My husband and my children bring me great joy and I pray that I can be the mother that they each need. I ask them often what I can do to be a better mother to and for them. Sometimes the responses are simple, but sometimes they are complex and brutal. But each time, I make an effort to be who they need me to be for them. I recognize that my mother is at an age where it is difficult for her to be what I need and while that it is extremely hard I am learning to be ok with it. I love her and I always will! I am learning to love me in the way that I always desired because the love that I missed will never be replaced. I am making sure that I love my girls in such a way that they never ever question my love for them even in the times when I have to discipline them or can't give them some materialistic thing that they desire. I used to view my feelings as a weakness but now I recognize that it is a part of my strength.
I wasn't going to post this but transparency calls! I finally understand why the family that you create is the most important that you'll ever have. I love mine! So grateful for these humans!
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