Real Love Never Dies

Trigger Warning: This post is about grief and death!

It's so crazy to think that today makes 33 years since my dad died. There really has only been a handful of days that have gone by where I didn't think of him or wonder what he might think of the life that I have lived and am living. I miss him everyday and I mean single everyday!

Losing my dad would shape me in ways I never imagined and honestly because of some of the trauma that I have endured throughout my life I still struggled well into my adulthood. I couldn't help but wonder if some of the trauma I endured would have been avoided if my dad were alive a little longer.

That's the thing about trauma and grief, it will have you reliving situations over and over again and believing that somehow you could have changed the outcome. There was no way 9 year old Michelle could change the outcome of anything. For the longest time, I wished that I had someone to talk to about the grief. It took years before I got the help I needed to actually cope with my father's passing. It was only recently that I realized how grief works for me. I understand the role of death so it doesn't devastate me, but I am not stoic. I think about the contributions that the deceased (people like my dad and grandmother) made in my life. I focus on the beautiful parts and I honor what they left me with. This is what shifted my journey from mourning to honoring and even celebrating the time that we shared.

While my dad and I only had 9 years, the memories feel endless. He left a powerful imprint on me through music that is literally interwoven into my DNA. This may sound weird, but a few years ago when I started going to more concerts I began to feel my dad's presence when artists would sing certain songs. Actually, I can tell you the exact day I felt it for the first time...it was April 28, 2023 when Janet Jackson performed in Atlanta for her together again tour. That same day, I closed on my house after only a 10 search from start to finish and rushed to see Janet that night. I can remember wanting to share a post about it but fearing that people would think I was weird or crazy because of it. I wanted to talk about how as a little girl I prayed to God that I would one day buy a big house for me and my kids and I would get to see Janet Jackson. I can remember my sister telling me that God was not a genie and that prayer didn't work like that. Yet it became a reality and God made it all happen in a single day nearly 30 years later. Then, I got to the concert and Janet performed "Together again" a song that has always held a special place in my heart. The song was released four years after my dad died and for some reason it always reminded me of him.

The lyrics...

There are times when I look above and beyond

There are times when I feel your love around me, baby

I'll never forget my baby

I'll never forget you

Everywhere I go, every smile I see

I know you are there smilin' back at me

Dancin' in moonlight, I know you are free

'Cause I can see your star shinin' down on me

This song comforted me so many nights when I felt like I had no one and I really didn't know what to do with the grief that I quietly carried.

My tribute to Rhythm Nation! On my way to see Janet Jackson!

Pardon the quality, this video is literally from April 28, 2023!

After the concert, so full from a celestial experience!

A few months later, I would turn 40 years old and my life would literally change again. Something woke up in me at 40! I saw Beyonce for the first time in concert for my 40th birthday and the experience was unreal. Renaissance World Tour was a liberation siren song for me. It felt coded with messages from my ancestors to live free and never let anyone Break My Soul! I will share more about this soon.

Music has always been a coping tool for me, but now I listen to music from a much deeper place. I am protective of my ear gates so I don't listen to music that is chaotic, but rather music that speaks to my spirit.

The next year I would see Jazmine Sullivan live and she would pay tribute to Roberta Flack and it would be yet another reminder of my dad. One of the songs that he taught me as a young singer was "Killing Me Softly" by Roberta Flack, way before the Fugees and Lauryn Hill remade it. Anytime I hear that song it sparks an instant smile. A glimmer in my spirit.

Jazmine Sullivan "Killing Me Softly"

Why the walk down memory lane?

Well, because memories are all that I have! I will never be able to create new ones with my dad, so I hang on for dear life to the ones that remain.

This is our permanent time stamp. It's the last picture we have together. Me forever 9, him forever 57...

Those who understand trauma will understand the power that lies in being able to nurture your inner child and finally be able to move on from the place where trauma occurred. Losing my dad at 9 years old changed my world forever. I didn't get a chance to unpack what that meant until I was 39 years old. 30 years after the initial trauma, I finally started the work to heal.

Part of me was fearful of the healing journey because I worried that healing would take away my memories, but it didn't. Therapy helped me see the bigger picture and honestly it provided me with so much clarity about the role that trauma played in other parts of my life. It helped me see that losing my dad so early and enduring even more trauma immediately afterwards allowed me to become vulnerable to predators. Little Michelle was never heard and desperately needed a protector. That protector never came. But, I finally had a chance to share how all of that made me feel and how I learned to protect myself.

Grief and the work to begin healing can be overwhelming, but it is necessary for growth and becoming. Grief does not go away. You won't likely ever stop missing your loved ones and that's okay. How you deal with it is what matters most. I choose to honor the memories of my loved ones by centering my thoughts on the good times we experienced and the fond memories we had. Every once in a while I am even blessed to dream of them and hear their voices.

Grief does not have to only look like depression and sadness. It can also look like joy and peace. I choose the latter because I know my two favorite deceased people (my dad and my granny) would want me to have joy!

I pray that I am making them proud everyday!

Are you experiencing grief or unresolved trauma? Are you ready to process it? I am not a therapist but I have some amazing mental health professionals on speed dial! Or you can find your own Dope Black Therapist like I did on therapyforblackgirls.com

Either way, I hope you found joy today! I love you and I know you don't know me, but I really do! Thank you for letting me vent!

Love,

MichelleRena