I Didn't Make It...

So I said I was gonna write in May, but I didn't make It. The entire month of May, I navigated the challenges of my own mental health and the mental health of those around me and I didn't have the capacity to write about It. I fought the fight alone most days, but those who check on me constantly, like Mon, and the K-Squad, saw the spiral happening in real time and finally my homegirl said when are you going to call your therapist because this isn't you friend!

I meet with my therapist tomorrow. Even my therapist asked me the last time I spoke with her about two months and some change ago what takes me so long to call her. The part of the truth is I start out hyper-focused on using the strategies and coping tools that I have learned In therapy to navigate my daily struggles, but the other part is I feel like I can't afford to open the floodgates that come with the emotional release therapy creates. Somehow I have convinced myself that it is much easier to just carry the weight.

Instead, I focus on completing the tasks and doing the things...anything excepting facing my feelings. I feel forced to be strong and that in and of itself is heavy. My fuse gets shorter and shorter and Instead of pausing to take care of myself, too often, I let wick burn out completely. I know that I have to do better for myself. I know that this can't become the norm. I know that I can't pour from an empty cup. But I also know that If I don't show up for my kids, then no one else will. I know that If I don't go to work and just take a month off to nurture my mental health, then my bills won't get paid, my children won't eat, and machine won't run. It's all on me and sadly, I know that I am not the only woman out here that feels this way. I have felt this way for a very long time, but feeling it and KNOWING it are two completely different things. Feelings can be masked or even pressed down, but reality is just that...real!

Now, I have to find the balance more than ever. Writing helps, doing my daily deposits on TikTok helps, organizing and cleaning helps, laying In my bed and actually resting my mind helps, sitting in silence is so rare but it helps. Ultimately though, therapy allows me to do the one thing that I don't necessarily feel safe to do in any of those other states...release it. Sometimes the release feels like rambling. Other times It feels like wailing. Both times I walk away feeling lighter. I am ready to lighten my load and as an act of true love for Michelle, I am going to schedule another appointment for two weeks from now. I have to be as committed to loving me and nurturing me as I have been to nurturing and loving others.

I deserve to receive the love that I so freely give to others. Things is, I always thought that love would come from someone else. Whole time, I am the one that was supposed to be giving it to me!

Sounds crazy right...but I really did believe in fairy tales. But when I listen to Anita Baker Fairy Tales now I get it. No one is coming to save you Princess! It's on you to take care of you!

I Initially thought I would be sad about this revelation, but I am actually relieved. I know me best, so who better to love me right!

Now, I have to unpack what loving me looks like in real time and as a daily practice.

Alright now y'all! I am not about to make a bunch of empty promises about how I am going to write each day. I am gonna do what I can with what I have and just take it from there. Wanna see my face and hear my voice daily? Follow me on TikTok!

I love y'all for real! I finally made It!

And Happy Pride!

MichelleRena