This song describes love in my teens and early 20s. "Up and down it goes."
'You know what's funny? I always thought if I gave him what he needed, he'd give me what I needed.'
- Bernadette from Waiting to Exhale
Bernie described how I felt when I decided to get off.
The ugly side of love. Where you've abandoned yourself to keep someone around. If that ain't you, here's a cookie, cause baby, you are one of the few.
Because it was definitely me. Quite a few times honestly. Changing my hair, my friends, my goals, my hobbies. Doing the absolute most. Going back knowing damn well nothing had changed. All to 'earn' love. Siri play 'Fool in Love'.
It's not in just romantic relationships either. You see it play out in friendships and familial ties. You play kickball when you really wanted to get on the swings. You go to this college when you really wanted to go to trade school. All to feel accepted. Wanted. To belong.
In my teens and early 20s, I didn't understand that though. I thought love was meant to bend. To possess. To obsess. If you aren't head over heels, then what are we doing? But that kind of love is dangerous. That's the kind of love that will have you sitting on your car drunk, waiting on someone to come from the movies. Or have your throw your phone across the room because he didn't come through like he said he would.
It will also have you cry all the way back home because once again you lied to yourself. You caved. They "won". Ain't love a bitch? Yeah, it can be. But when you take all of that pain and truly sit with it, you realize that you were just channeling it toward the wrong person. The pain can change you. It can make you cold. Never wanting to feel it again. Or it can make you stand up dust yourself off, and say, well on to the next one. LOL
I get it now. Love is flow. Love is free. I can't capture it. It has to be given, but you gotta give it to yourself first. You begin to fill those love spaces on your own. With your own words of affirmation. Your own physical touch. Buy those flowers/that cologne for your damn self. All those things you had to beg for. You start doing them for you. Then the craziest thing happens, love starts to show up in the external. The minute that you let go of the idea that you don't have enough love, the floodgates open. When you unclench your hand and unlock your heart, love will flood your life. It's been a wild thing to experience, but baby, I'm here for it. All of it. Wave after wave. And I hope you are, too.